Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I know/I don't know

I know I am beautiful. But sometimes it’s just an awesome thing when someone tells you this, and you don’t even know that someone. Whenever this happens, it completely makes my day. No matter what has happened through my day, knowing that someone else thinks I am pretty just makes me feel good. But I forget, my creator thinks I am the most beautiful thing in the world. He created me for a reason and a purpose, even though; I don’t always want to or be that reason or purpose. But his plan is so much better than my own. I love when I remember this. My heart fills with gratitude that no matter what I do, good or bad, no matter how much I judge others and myself, he doesn’t judge me. He loves me for me. The way that I am is the way that he wants me to be. He LOVES me!!

I don’t know why I struggle so much with self-confidence sometimes. I get so wrapped up in what others think of me… and it is sooo tiring. It one of my biggest struggles. I am so self-conscious about what other people think about me, whether it is “Do they think I am pretty/nice/a good person/etc.?” and it is so ridiculous of me. God doesn’t care what others think of me. I should love myself, a beautiful girl with a happy spirit, because he created me just the way he wanted me to be. I am here on this earth not for myself but for his glory. I forget this so often. It is a daily struggle to remember that this is not my world, it is God’s, and I am only here for a temporary time. I waste so much time on the silliest things. I have the potential to do so many great things but how often do I avoid doing these things because of my own selfish desires. I would rather spend 3 hours on Facebook stalking people that I never see rather than going and changing the lives of children that have been through so much more than I have ever been through.

I know that God has some amazing plans for my life. I’m not sure what they are but I have faith that they are going to be pretty awesome. I know this because so far in my life, this is true. I have been able to experience some pretty incredible things. Being able to go on a mission trip to Honduras for a week is the first thing that pops in my head. It was such a blessing in my life that I was able to get to experience such an amazing trip. God revealed himself so much to me that week and that is because I was so out of my comfort zone. Something that I have hear numerous times in the past few weeks is that if you don’t feel uncomfortable with where you are at with your relationship with Christ then  you aren’t growing with Christ. And I have to say, I agree with this. Being out of my comfort zone not only during that week but when I choose to do that here at school or even in the past, I have been able to experience so much more than I ever would have been able to be if I would have stayed in my “safe bubble”.

I don’t know why I struggle so much with listening to God. I love to make plans and do things “on my own”. I am kind-of completely ridiculous when it comes to being in control of situations. It was so hard learning how to two-step when I came to college because one: I had never two-stepped before and two: I didn’t know how to trust that the guy could lead me. I have to give over control every time I go to two-step because it is the guy’s responsibility to lead, not my own and I don’t know why but I find that so hard to do. The same thing has to happen with my relationship with Christ. It is a daily struggle that I have giving over control to the God, the maker of all things. I have to wake and immediately pray that God will lead the day and not me. It is so hard. I still fail. I will never be perfect.

I know that my life here on earth is for God and to build the kingdom of Glory. I love knowing that God has chosen me to be someone that helps to lead others to Him. I find that such a cool blessing. I’ve also come to find out that God will never give me more than I can handle. His love for me is never-ending and He knows just how much I can handle. Sometimes it feels as if the world is giving me more than I can handle but I have to remember that God’s plan for my life is so much better than the worlds. The world is such a test of faith and I love that I can stop what I am doing and pray for guidance during any situation that I am going through. Even though it is hard, looking back on the past, the struggles I have had have turned into some pretty incredible blessings. And I am so thankful for those.

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